Just having some fun on Facebook, and I asked my friends to list their favorite “corporate speak” phrases. With all of my years working in large companies, I was able to provide an instant translation. Carin Kyle asked if I could publish a post for sharing.
Each submitted phrase is followed by the translation. I hope this helps you understand what’s really being communicated in your workplace:
We need to socialize that. =
Let’s see if anyone else agrees with your stupid idea.
We don’t have enough bandwidth to handle that request. =
You are not high enough on the food chain for me to have to care about you.
I’ll run that up the flagpole. =
…so it can be shot down from a higher altitude.
We hope everyone buys into the core competencies developed by our SWAT team. =
There is a red laser pointed at your forehead.
It is what it is. =
I revel in the status quo and aspire to mediocrity.
That’s the tactical solution, not the strategic one. =
I would like to slow down the project so we can charge more overtime on it.
Seize this moment and take advantage of the synergistic opportunities that will present themselves. =
I have no idea how I got this job as a manager. Please try to look busy.
We all need to pull together and work as a team. =
Stop doing so well… you’re making the rest of us look bad.
We’re going to have to let you go. =
You are about to make 20% more salary somewhere else.
Virtualize the process and move it to the cloud. =
We are about to completely remove human beings from our customer service.
Your raise is tied to your job importance, not how well you do it. =
We need to free up a head count for someone who can play on the company softball team.
I’ll look into that. =
I will look into that later but I’m sure I will find the same emptiness that I’m feeling right now. Please stop talking to me so I can pick up my son from soccer practice.
We have a firm grasp on our core competency. =
As a leader I have a loose grip on reality.
Creating cross functional teams to drive new use case driven solutions. =
We want to bring dysfunction to a whole new level.
Time to ramp up. =
You are about to experience a very steep incline.
Let’s take this offline. =
You are scaring the children.
Limited restructuring. =
We’re going to have to consult with legal and get back to you. =
Our lawyers are about to make you very uncomfortable.
We have too many silos. =
How can we suppress innovation and spending if we can’t see and control everyone’s work?
Let’s set up a quick meeting and discuss strategy and next steps. =
Let’s take an hour out of your day that you can never get back.
Looking at my dashboard, we have some things in our pipeline. =
I am already sand bagging for next quarter.
Got it. =
Got it in the recycle bin.
We need to increase our collaboration with other departments and leverage their resources and experience and not lose focus of our priorities in order to exceed our goals. =
We need someone else to blame this on.
Let’s put the wood behind the arrow. =
Instead of embracing the new high tech tech aluminum arrows, we will continue to use our archaic legacy technology.
We haven’t released the budget. But let’s focus on hitting 110%. =
We will curb overspending by under resourcing you.
We want to be transparent with the changes being made. =
We are actually only capable of being translucent. It will be blurry on purpose.
Our company has never provided that exact service, so we may be short on experience, but I can guarantee we are long on potential. =
So it won’t be long before we come up short on customer service.
You’re fired. =
You are liberated from tyranny.
If you’ve got any more phrases that need instant translation, please post in the comments below. Customer service is my #1 priority.
There is a strange one I’ve seen at my current job. When someone challenges an idea, the presenter will hold up their hand and say “Peace.”, then go on talking. Evidently, “Peace” means “Shut the hell up, don’t you see I’m talking?”
Peace = Peace for me, not you.